The saying is, people come in and out of your life for a reason. This includes relationships and romantic interests. However, there’s also a saying that the heart wants what it wants. So, what happens when these two things collide? Going back to an ex after a breakup whether it’s weeks, months or years later can be a good thing for some people, it can also cause more harm than good. It is important to recognize the pro and cons of deciding to take an ex back, or to reaching out to an ex for “one more try”. Below are 5 things to consider before making that leap.
Why Did The Relationship End In the First Place?
This is an important thing to factor into rekindling things with an ex. Obviously it was something that pushed you or a partner to the breaking point, but was it an unforgivable offense? Take the time to put the offense on a list from minimal impact, to worse offense ever and see how it measures up. If it was for a petty reason, really have a sit down on the phone or have an in person conversation with the partner to decide if y’all are now mature enough to not argue over little things to the point of a break up. If it was something serious, such as an infidelity, really assess what happened and what led to that point. If cheating was to blame, you must ask yourself are you ready to truly forgive your partner and move on, or will it be something you would throw back in your partner’s face in any little argument. If you were the one doing the cheating, have you corrected those behaviors, and would that be something you might potentially do again? Be honest with yourself and your partner about these feelings and if you really think a “new relationship” can survive a past breakup.
Are You Emotionally Ready For a Relationship?
Relationships are emotionally taxing, and they are certainly not easy. This wouldn’t be your first relationship, so you already know the things that go into a relationship, but have you considered yourself and your emotional state in the moment? Maybe consider taking a break from dating if you don’t think you are 100% ready to commit yourself to someone else. Maybe even consider causally dating your partner, as you date other people as well to “test the waters”. How would you take care of your emotional needs while in a relationship? This would be the perfect time to consult with a relationship therapist, or even a therapist in general. There’s nothing wrong with investing in yourself and your emotional state before getting into another relationship.
How Will Y’all Address Future Issues?
It’s safe to say that, communication may have been a factor in the initial breakup. If that is the case it is important to recognize the break downs in the way that y’all do communicate. When you’re having a conversation with your partner it is important to listen to understand, versus listening to respond. A good way to practice this is to TALK:
T Take a second or two to respond after they are done talking.
A Ask follow up questions to their statements, for clarity.
L Look into their eyes, and look for changes in body language.
K Keep a steady tone of voice.
It’s also important to really know your partner’s style of communication and what it may mean when their actions or personalities shift during an altercation.
Can Y’all Treat the Relationship Like a New One?
This is a tricky one. I’m not saying you need to treat each other like new people. However, you want to leave the old relationship in the past. Yes, you can reference and reminiscence about past things but you don’t want to throw up old things from that relationship that y’all have decided as partners to let go and move past. This is include old “promises of changes”. Take this opportunities to try new things that you may not have thought to try in the previous relationship. You also want to give yourself the opportunity to acknowledge that old relationship and use the good parts of it as fertilizer for the new relationship. While it is normal to slip into old habits gently remind your partner that y’all have made the decision to move forward from past transgressions, and that you are looking forward to new adventures to them
Can You Keep Family & Friends Out of Y’all’s Business For at Least 3-6 Months?
Now this is very very very important. KEEP PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR BUSINESS. Yes I know this might be the hardest part yet. However it is so important to keep outside influences away from such a critical stage in a relationship that is trying to be repaired. This is especially true if the relationship ended in a nasty breakup, and you know what I’m talking about. It’s also important to remember that your friends and family are typically tying to look out for your best interest. So if you told them things that your partner said that were mean or hurtful. Just know you are more likely to be more forgiving way before they will be, and it might take a long time for them to take the relationship serious again. Once the relationship become more steady and concrete, slowly introduce your friends and family to the idea of you getting back with your ex.
At the end of the day no one can define your relationship but you, and those directly involved. For this reason, only y’all can dictate how things will go, and if the relationship is worth saving at all. Therapy is a good way to help you to decide which direction you would like to go in. Cheers to love, life and pleasurable sex in 2019!
T The Sex Therapist.
Photo by Kevar Whilby on Unsplash